india post five.

post five

my heart was very heavy today. you'd think i'd be used to the idea of these kids living here...competing for attention, sleeping on the floor, and living with whatever factors brought them to the orphanage. but i'm not. i think it's a combination of jetlag and the heat as well, but the overwhelming feeling that i am only one person is debilitating sometimes. i really hate the feeling of being tugged in all directions. i'm starting to question if i'm even up for a career in the social services realm if i can't handle some of the things i've seen and heard. tonight, i held one of the littlest girls and stared off at the trees and sky and roads in the distance from the second floor of the orphanage. she's usually pretty goofy and smiley, and i love that, but when i'm feeling like i was feeling today it can be very difficult to work to reciprocate. i was a little more reserved than normal, a little less enthusiastic. but we stood there and looked out at the trees together. she pointed at something in the distance and told me something in telugu. and then she laid her head on my shoulder, and i rested my head on hers. i liked that feeling.

but right now it's peaceful. right now, i'm sitting with my back leaned against our door. i am outside with kiran, kimberly, and cory. one of the teachers is taking some of the older boys and girls through a geography lesson. it's been raining off and on since about five PM, and there's thunder and lightning. we're speaking in murmurs and enjoying each other's company. i like moments like this. where i'm just here. one of the things i love most about being here is feeling like i'm just a part of it. sometimes i walk through the hallway and it just feels nice to be here. and i'm constantly looking into the most beautiful sets of brown eyes i've ever seen. in the hallways, on the second floor, in the field behind the building. i mentioned to cory last night how weird it is that we haven't set foot outside the orphanage since we got here.

english went alright. we had the littlest kids in class today, about twenty or twenty-five of them. it was interesting. i don't even really know what to say about it. and the girl's caretaker tried to translate "one fish two fish red fish blue fish" as i read it at the end of class. but it is kind of fun. the whole thing. once you get going. but it is very, very tiring. i find it very difficult to explain concepts i don't even think twice about.

i can't think of anything else really.

oh, and one of the girls locked us in our room today. all doors have a lock on both sides, and when we told her we had to go inside i guess she wasn't too happy about that. we very sternly told her she needed to open the door back up, but i was having a hard time trying not to laugh.