india post eleven.

post eleven

the team is here! i'm so excited. except they left this morning to go to a church dedication out of town, and cory and i decided to stay here and hang out with the kids so it feels like they aren't here still. hahah. after one day.

but yesterday was sweet. i loved being on the welcoming side of things. and it felt strange. i remember how it feels to be at the start of being in india...and now i don't feel that! i've already been here two weeks! but i loved seeing my friends greet my indian friends here. it's kind of funny too, the kids are SO confused about our team of interns and the regular team from our church. they ask if we are going places with the team, if we are coming back...i think when we go to drop the team off at the airport, they're going to be super confused.

i love that i have a lot of time left here. it's still hard, really hard. honestly, sometimes i barely have enough stamina to be emotionally and mentally present when i'm with these kids, especially the girls.

i talked to my dad on the phone tonight, and i was telling him that the girls are SO much harder to be around than the boys. boys are equally as touchy, equally as moody, and needing just as much love and care as the girls. but with the girls it's different. it's a much more in-your-face type of interaction. and for whatever reason, i can stand there and let eight little boys poke me and hold my hand and grab my arm a lot more easily than i can have three girls touching my hair and pinching my cheeks. it's interesting! i really do love, love, love these girls...i don't want there to be any mistaking that. but it's just harder. a lot harder.

and i think i like that it's harder. it's testing my love.

so anyways. on another note. something interesting happened to me yesterday, and today.

every year when the team comes, they hire this really sweet man to come and cook for them. just to make things less spicy (the stuff the kids eat is INSANELY spicy, i try it every now and again), and to provide some variety. this year, he brought a family of four with him. a dad, a mom, and their boy and girl...who are eight and six.

i had some down time yesterday and decided to go hang out in the kitchen. a few of my boys were grinding up these leaves they use to make a paste to put on the sores of the children who have chicken pox right now (there are about eight of them). i sat on a stool and watched the boys, and the mother who came with the cook came over and started trying to talk to me. she knew maybe...five words in english. eventually she told me "house" and cocked her head in the direction of the room she and her family are staying in. i hesitated, and one of my boys, teja, told her, "auntie...nooo." i thought to myself, okay...i am obviously NOT leaving the orphanage, but if she's referring to her room here, then that's fine.

i followed her to her family's room. there were clothes everywhere on the floor and other knick knacks. her son and her husband were also sitting in there. i felt a little uncomfortable, until about three or four of my fifth grade boys came in. i know they're just kids...but i know they love me, and i felt a little more comfortable with them nearby as i sat and let this family try to make me feel at home in their temporary living space. the mother was sweet, she tried her best to communicate with me...and taught me some more words in telugu.

sitting in the presence of this family was such an experience. for one thing, the fact that the people here just want you to sit in their midst amazes me. they are so in awe that you, an american, would come here and do some of the things we do. this country is obsessed with hierarchy, and it shows in everything. i have no concept of that because i was raised to believe that everyone around me is equal and should be treated as such. sure, i've seen people treated badly in the positional sense. but for the most part...what i've seen in the states doesn't even compare to what you see here. and the way that some people will treat each other.

india post ten.

POST TEN

i consistently find myself wanting to start all of my posts with, "my heart is full." i think that's been my personal theme of the trip. i am CRAZY blessed to be here, now, experiencing this.

so something really sweet happened today. we've been scrounging for phrases to teach the older kids in their english classes. today we had benny, kiran's son, to help us teach the children. we took advantage of the opportunity to have him translate the phrases so the children could write the telugu meaning next to the english phrases in their notebooks...because up until this point, we've been relying on a translator with minimal english speaking skills (but we LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her, make no mistake) or no translator at all.

so one of the things we decided to teach the kids today were phrases they can ask the LBC (laurelglen bible church) team when they come on saturday. things like, "which school do you attend?" and "what do you do for a living?" and one of the first things we taught them was "can i have a hug?"

i go into the boys dormitory every night to say goodnight to the boys. it ends up being mostly the fourth, fifth and sixth class guys...because those are MY guys. those are MY little guys. and they're the ones who, as a whole, seem to be the most receptive to me...even though i have close ties with children in both genders and every age group.

and tonight, guess which question i got before bed? :)

"sister, can i have a hug?"

melt my heart. they have NEVER asked me that. not verbally, at least. not until today. not until we taught them.

on another note. i have to tell you about my friend vijay. vijay is the boy's caretaker here at berachah. he is twenty-six years old. he didn't grow up at berachah, but he is an orphan too. so he understands these kids, and he deals with them with a tenderness i rarely see here. i KNOW that all the adults here love these kids. i know they are taking care of them. but i seldom see such a tender heart as vijay's. and i think it has to do with the fact that he understands the pain some of these children face...as it is in his own life. he is stern, make no mistake. these kids listen to him and they respect him. but he is also kindhearted and it isn't difficult to see.

yesterday i had the chance to talk with him a little bit about his story. he was abandoned at six or seven months old in the train station. a family adopted him, and his adoptive father died when he was nineteen or twenty.

he told me he remembered questioning The Lord when he was younger, asking "why don't i have my father? why don't i have my mother?" he told me that The Lord spoke to him from deuteronomy 32:18, with the message, "i AM your father." i like that. i like seeing people made strong in The Lord like that. and what an inspiration vijay is, that he is so willing to devote his life to kids that were just like him.

so the team comes tomorrow. i am soooo stoked. i am so happy to be on the other side of this, to be one of the one's welcoming them...as opposed to being welcomed.

thank you again, everyone who sent me here. i am having the time of my life.

india post nine.

post nine

okay. so sunday wasn't the best, as you probably already read. i was pretty sick and feeling extremely weak up until sunday evening.

yesterday, monday, we were supposed to start teaching the 5th and 6th class kids. they kept asking me all weekend, "sister, monday 5th and 6th class? english?" and i would tell them, "yes! class on monday. 5th and 6th." but when we walked into our classroom (the girl's dormitory) on monday morning at the normal time...our students were nowhere to be found! i found out shortly after that kiran had sent them to their regular school for the day to let me "rest."

needless to say, i was pretty upset. i felt fine, and i didn't like the idea of the kids missing out on a day they had been looking forward to. especially when they kept asking me about it.

so today, we had class with our kids. twenty-nine of them. twenty-nine sets of beautiful brown eyes. twenty-nine pairs of hands trying to play thumb wars with me during the breaks. twenty-nine notebooks being shoved in my face for me to check their work. twenty-nine mouths parroting our words and vowel sounds as they try to make sense of what we are saying.

at the end of class, we tried something with these kids that we hadn't tried with the other grades. we split them into three groups and had them each take turns reading a page from a dr. suess book. i had my kids reading "one fish two fish red fish blue fish." it was pretty great. except for the part when they were all talking at once and i could barely hear the person who was reading. it was a bunch of chaos. i had about eleven 10 and 11 year old boys tripping over each other to look over the shoulder of the one who was reading. slapping each other in the head when they can't see, asking me if they're going to learn "maths" tomorrow, and trying to get me to do thumb wars with them when they had finished reading ("no, we'll do that after class." "one time, sister." "no. i said we'll do it after class.")

after class we actually had some time to spend just hanging out with the boys. now i have to tell you this story, because it's really disgusting and funny and it's one of the things that reminds me that i'm in my element if i can deal with this kind of thing with laughter, and not throwing up.

cory and i were standing between the boy's dormitory and a storage building with about thirty or so boys. it's been raining a lot lately. and it's been windy. so i haven't been questioning the drops that have been landing on my skin every now and again.

but today. TODAY. i happened to look over when i felt a light spray of something. it seemed kind of weird, it was blowing sideways. and then i saw why. one of the little boys was taking a whizz about ten feet away from me and it was SO windy that it was blowing on me, and cory, and the other boys who were standing around us. siiiiick. but funny. it was funny.

then after taking about a bajillion pictures, the boys had some play time in the yard. we raced, we went down the slide, we danced, i got lots of hugs. i was blessed with an incredible amount of energy today. and i want that to be the image of aimee that these kids remember. i want them to remember that she wasn't too old to race them through the dirt, that she didn't get too bored playing thumb war after thumb war with them, that she wasn't too busy to give a hug or a pat on the head.

i've noticed something interesting about myself as i've been in india. i think one of my love languages is touch, or it's something that i value very much to feel close to people around me. when i break down the physical barrier with others, i feel much more connected to that person. and when i think about the people i'm closest to, a lot of it basically has to do with me, say...giving them a hug. 

at school this year, i really missed giving people hugs. there just weren't a lot of people surrounding me daily who i could get a hug from, like i can from my mom or dad or brother or best friend. and i've noticed that, as i am here in india...constantly surrounded by those in NEED of touch (i cannot emphasize need enough) i don't feel the same void i feel when i'm away at school sometimes. 

and i guess i would think that the void would feel even stronger here. i'm about as far away from my family and friends as one can get, and i'm frequently involved in the ups and downs of dealing with the "least of these." least of these, meaning...it doesn't get much worse than this. least of these meaning...your life of six years already holds more pain than i will experience in a lifetime. least of these meaning...it seems as if everyone else has forgotten about you.

but the void isn't here. i still experience pain, deep emotional pain. but i really think that all the hugs i get from my kids, their longing to be close to me, their comfort level that is revealed in how they approach me...is God's way of taking care of something he knows i need to feel whole.

i don't know if that makes sense. you guys need to know that i'm pretty much baring my soul here, there's not really anything on here that i wouldn't write in my private journal. so it's a lot of me just rambling. thoughts, feelings, this and that :)

i could use prayer for our goodbye. i know it sounds crazy, but i am SO scared to say goodbye to these kids. like literally, i can't think of ANYTHING worse in my life right now. there have only been a few times in my life, a few very personal times...when i have felt such searing, emotional pain. and one of these is always saying goodbye to these kids. i think part of what makes it so hard is that THEY don't understand it. they don't understand why you're leaving, they don't get why you have to go. they don't understand that you can't stay here forever. and it tears me up every time.

but i know i can't live like that. not while i'm here. it would be very easy for me to slip into that sort of mentality, and let it overtake my time here. pray that that wouldn't happen. pray that i would be here. be present. because truthfully, from what i've heard...and what i've experienced in my own life...presence is everything. YOU being present, giving yourself, filling in the gaps, fulfilling a need, putting others ahead of yourself...that is love. that is absolutely what communicates your love.

and i want my life to reflect that.

india post eight.

post eight

Well dang! It took four visits to India for me to finally throw up. I always hear horror stories of people going to India and getting sick, but I had no stories to offer until today :) even though I feel really crummy right now, I guess I find it kind of funny. I felt really bad a couple hours ago because the girl's caretaker, Mary, came in to check on me and it was during the twenty minutes I decided to spend laying sprawled out on the cool floor with my arm thrown over my face. These people must think Americans are just such fragile pansies.

So now there's nothing to do except lay in my bed, listen to sufjan Stevens, and blog...and hope that this blows over soon. I teach class tomorrow, so we can't have this. It's really sad, because I can hear my girls playing outside the window. And every once in a while they ask about me to Kimberly or Cory.

All I want right now is some blue gatorade. And my dog.

But on another note, i loved Friday. 

monday through thursday, we taught english from 9:30 AM to 3:30 PM with a break for lunch. Friday was our break from teaching, and they put us to work in the kitchen.

therefore, the work consisted of chopping vegetables and de-shelling the peanuts (i'm sure there's a more technical term for that? shucking? whatever.) to be used for that evening's dinner. 

Friday was just another example of the sense of community i love here. i love being around these people all the time, even though i can't necessarily participate in full conversations with them. this morning, being able to sit with my friends, vijay, mary and the other widows on staff here at berachah was such a life-giving time for me.

the better part of my morning was spent sitting on the hallway floor with a pile of peanuts in front of me. sometimes it was quiet, other times it was filled with laughter. more than once, one of the ladies would say something (i think at cory and my's expense) and everyone would laugh. I loved every minute of it.

Then yesterday, we went to vijayawada...a city that's about an hour and a half from here. We did a few touristy things with Kiran and Joshi, had lunch with Kiran's son, Benny, and went to Best Price (which is a wal-mart owned superstore). It was a very tiring day. 

And in some other thoughts, I've come to realize that I have two weaknesses.

The first one is that I think I'm invincible. I almost decided to go out to the churches with Kiran this morning, even though I wasn't feeling good. I was showered, dressed and ready to go and at the last minute decided that I didn't want to chance throwing up (if I was going to) on all those nice people in the village churches. Good call on my part. 

And this is my other problem. when i become overwhelmed, when i feel like i cannot fix the problem, when i see such anguish that i cannot begin to comprehend, i become paralyzed. Sometimes the sadness here is so stifling that i cant seem to do what i need to do. that is my problem. how am i going to pursue a career that involves working with children like this, if i cant even put a cap on my emotions. some of the girls noticed i had been crying the other night during one of these overwhelming times and i dont like that. pray that my compassion would be stronger than the sadness i face.

india post seven.

my heart is so full right now.

i think today was the best day i've had here so far.

teaching today was so much better than yesterday. both of these days, we've had the first and second class boys. so today we taught english (or tried our best) to 25 squirming, silly 6, 7 and 8 year old boys and a handful of girls.

it was something else. you really just have to watch a video of it, i can't really explain what it's like.

but it's all the little things. it is ENTIRELY the little things that make my heart turn in my chest, that make me so happy i can hardly contain myself while i'm here. i am IN LOVE with these kids. even when they are being obnoxious or clingy or pushy. i love them.

today, one of the little things was catching bugs in a waterbottle with kusha (the little boy i posted a photo of, who is holding my hand) gopi (one of the boys i wrote about in an earlier blog), another little boy named ajay and a handful of other boys close to their age...six or seven. we caught a spider, a fly, a small beetle, and two ants. and then kusha emptied the bottle out in the dirt and that was the end of that.

another little thing, that seems to happen all the time, is touch. touch says so much about a child's comfort level with you. and it's interesting, because some kids who barely talked to me in the last few years are suddenly gravitating toward me...and i can see it by how close they get to me. after dinner, i walked down the hallway to go back to my room. i stopped where a line of boys (the first and second class kids i taught today, and then some of the third class boys) was sitting outside the kitchen tonight, waiting for a "tablet" they all needed to take. a lot of the time, i'll just go and stand there. i stand there and watch them. i'll ask general questions, but i kind of just stand there and wait to see what will happen. and one of the first things that happened was kusha ran up and stood with his back against my legs and grabbed my hands and held them in front of him. i LOVE that. i LOVE stuff like that. these kids have no idea how special that makes me feel. it's a humbling feeling.

so now you have some insight into what makes my heart overflow. i even felt silly typing those things out. they say the best things in life are free, and i think i can heartily agree with that statement.

i can't even explain how blessed i feel to be with these children. my time with them is golden. my heart already hurts when i think about us having to leave in mid august. and we aren't even halfway there yet.

india post six.

post six

this is going to be quick. we're on our lunch break from teaching and i usually don't write anything in the middle of the day, but i thought i should tell you this story real quick just to give you an idea of the kinds of scary things that go on here in india, when you're living in this kind of poverty.

last night, while the kids were eating dinner i was pacing around the hallway with some of the kids, and stepping in the puddles the rain had left on the stone tiles next to the kitchen. i walked back toward kiran, and noticed that one of the boys, teja (not little teja, my buddy...another teja) was standing next to him using kiran's iPhone. i wondered if he was talking to a parent or another relative. after the boy left, kiran told me the boy had been talking to his aunt. and when i asked why, this is what he told me.

every second saturday, the relatives of the children (those who HAVE relatives) come to berachah for a meeting with kiran. sometimes when they come they bring things for the kids, like food and clothing.

apparently this boy's aunt and uncle had brought him a few different types of food, including this "milk powder" which turned out to be ant poison. teja drank it and had a huge headache and had to drink lots of salt water to get it out of his system. kiran called the boy's aunt to reprimand her...i'm not really sure what that conversation was like, or the one that took place between the woman and her nephew.

but kiran informed me that teja will inherit some land when he is older, and if he dies...the aunt and uncle will inherit the land. now let's think about this. oh, oops...was that the ant powder we gave you? sorry. it was next to the milk powder. must have grabbed the wrong one. talk about sketchy.

it's not for me to say one way or the other. but the more i hear stories similar to this one, the more i see just how desperate poverty can leave you. to the point where you might do anything, even murder your own family, to acquire something that might keep you alive.

may The Lord watch over each and every one of these kids.

india post five.

post five

my heart was very heavy today. you'd think i'd be used to the idea of these kids living here...competing for attention, sleeping on the floor, and living with whatever factors brought them to the orphanage. but i'm not. i think it's a combination of jetlag and the heat as well, but the overwhelming feeling that i am only one person is debilitating sometimes. i really hate the feeling of being tugged in all directions. i'm starting to question if i'm even up for a career in the social services realm if i can't handle some of the things i've seen and heard. tonight, i held one of the littlest girls and stared off at the trees and sky and roads in the distance from the second floor of the orphanage. she's usually pretty goofy and smiley, and i love that, but when i'm feeling like i was feeling today it can be very difficult to work to reciprocate. i was a little more reserved than normal, a little less enthusiastic. but we stood there and looked out at the trees together. she pointed at something in the distance and told me something in telugu. and then she laid her head on my shoulder, and i rested my head on hers. i liked that feeling.

but right now it's peaceful. right now, i'm sitting with my back leaned against our door. i am outside with kiran, kimberly, and cory. one of the teachers is taking some of the older boys and girls through a geography lesson. it's been raining off and on since about five PM, and there's thunder and lightning. we're speaking in murmurs and enjoying each other's company. i like moments like this. where i'm just here. one of the things i love most about being here is feeling like i'm just a part of it. sometimes i walk through the hallway and it just feels nice to be here. and i'm constantly looking into the most beautiful sets of brown eyes i've ever seen. in the hallways, on the second floor, in the field behind the building. i mentioned to cory last night how weird it is that we haven't set foot outside the orphanage since we got here.

english went alright. we had the littlest kids in class today, about twenty or twenty-five of them. it was interesting. i don't even really know what to say about it. and the girl's caretaker tried to translate "one fish two fish red fish blue fish" as i read it at the end of class. but it is kind of fun. the whole thing. once you get going. but it is very, very tiring. i find it very difficult to explain concepts i don't even think twice about.

i can't think of anything else really.

oh, and one of the girls locked us in our room today. all doors have a lock on both sides, and when we told her we had to go inside i guess she wasn't too happy about that. we very sternly told her she needed to open the door back up, but i was having a hard time trying not to laugh.

india post four.

post four

pastor kiran is someone i am constantly thanking God for putting in my life. he's someone i look at and think, wow...my life is SO much better because i met you. i never could have imagined having the chance to work alongside him as much as i have these past three years.

tonight, i heard some of the saddest words i have ever heard in my life. after a long day at the churches and going to meetings, kiran sat in our kitchen to catch up with us as we hadn't seen him all day. i don't know how we got on the subject, but we were talking about when the team that cory, kimberly and i were all on together was here two years ago. that particular year was extremely difficult for kiran, we can all recall, as he was beginning to experience some very serious health problems. he was noticeably exhausted and in pain, that year...not like the man i had met one year before.

he mentioned the day we spent in hyderabad (the city we always fly into) the day we left to go home, and told me, "when we were taking pictures in front of the restaurant paradise, i was thinking to myself...this might be the last time i ever see aimee."

talk about heart wrenching. it's moments like that where i start to see the effects of relationship on the other side of this. i know where it stands and what it means to me in my own heart; sometimes i forget what a big deal it is that we come and do this. and this man was so sick that he wasn't sure if he would live to see me again, and that was causing him more plain. humbling...extremely humbling.

so today we begin the english class with the first and second class kids. these are the little guys. and i'm not sure how it's going to go. i've never taught english before, much less to children who don't speak any english at all.

and maybe i could learn to type with proper capitalization first, before i take on such endeavors.

yesterday was nice. we spent some time in the field behind the orphanage and got looooots of great pictures of the kids. they showed cory how to play cricket and requested photo after photo from me. it was my favorite part of the day. if any of you have been on my facebook in the last few hours, the last picture i posted is my favorite photo i took all day yesterday. it's a picture of one of the boys, kusha, and it's sort of an "as is" photo...which is why i like it so much. he would sneak up behind me and grab my hand and i think i captured it perfectly.

india post three.

today was absolutely exhausting. i'm sitting with my back against our fridge on the floor of our little kitchen here at berachah. kimberly is laying flat on her face to my left, enjoying the cool floor. my legs are already bitten. there is a constant layer of sweat under my lower lip, and a jetlagged feeling that i'm not sure will ever go away.

it might sound like i'm having a horrible time...i'm not :) i love this. i can't imagine doing anything else with my time than being with these kids. even when it frustrates, even when it's overwhelming.

one of the things i love about this trip, even though it's only been two days, is that we don't have the pressure of a two week trip. i know time is going to fly by, but i don't feel rushed. it's really nice.

when kim, cory and i came down the stairs this morning, a few of the elementary boys popped their heads out of the door and smiled at us. the second that cory scooped one of the boys up, i kid you not...fifty or sixty of those littler boys ran toward the three of us and surrounded us. i had fifteen or twenty boys tugging at my shirt and touching my arms and smiling and laughing and somebody was trying to climb up my back.

this is overwhelming to me for two reasons: 1] the obvious...it's just overwhelming. it is emotionally and physically and mentally exhausting to have that many kids doing that to you at one time...even if it's making you happy and making you laugh and it's life-giving in some weird way 2] i hate having that many kids trying to win my attention because i know they're all competing with each other. i hate thinking about how different their life is from, say...some of the kids i babysit back at home. who are scooped up by their mom and dad on a daily basis. how this might be the only time they have someone letting them touch and pull and poke and be silly and they have to share it with twenty other kids that need the same thing.

but anyways. happier things. so much of the time when i'm here, interacting with some of these kids...i just think about how happy i am to see them, and how special i feel that i get to see some of the same kids again. i obviously love all the kids, but there are probably about twenty or twenty-five that i feel like i have an actual relationship with. and whenever i'm with those kids, one on one or in smaller groups, i just think...how neat that i've been watching you grow up the past three years.

i need to get better about taking photos during the day. knowing that i have six weeks here has made me lazy. but some of these kids...i just have to show you pictures of. there's little gopi, who i got to hold today. he was one of the new kids last year. he's probably three or four. he has a buzz cut and was wearing a tank top that was too big for him today and so i was like heeeeeey too bad you're so cute, i'm going to pick you up. so i did. then there's daven...a lot of you have heard about daven. daven is really special to me because my first day here at berachah three years ago was the day he first came to the orphanage. he just has this really sweet, sincere little face and one of the best smiles i've ever seen...and seen a lot MORE of just in the last few days that i've been here. i still remember the first year i came to india, and i walked around the boys dormitory carrying daven around with his head resting on my shoulder...and thinking about how awesome that was. i'm always humbled by the trust some of these children exhibit when they allow for moments like that one. then there's this other girl, who i can't remember the name of right now. but she just came here this year with her sister and she NEVER stops smiling. kiran told us there was a girl here who was always smiling, but he never had to tell us who it was. we figured it out pretty quickly. tonight as i was walking toward the stairs she kept tugging on my shirt and tapping on my back until i turned around to see that expectant, goofy grin she always has.

i'm off to go to bed. blessings.

india post two.

we're finally here. we left hyderabad at about 4 PM, and arrived safely at the orphanage around 2 or 3 AM. it was pouring rain the whole way home, which delayed our arrival by a few hours. but we're finally here, and eager to see what the next few days will look like.

it feels so weird to be unpacking here. we sort of live here now.

my first encounter with the kids here is always interesting. it's like they have to get used to your presence again before they are totally engaging with you. or at least that's sort of how i feel around my younger guys. except for this one friend of mine, gopi. he's about 12 or 13 i'm guessing and we seemed to pick right back up where we left off. he gave me such a big smile and a hug this morning when i came down the stairs.

our rooms are right next to the new girls dormitory they built this year (thanks living grace!) so the first thing i saw this morning as i walked to the stairs were the faces of my precious girls here. i LOVE having their room next to ours. there aren't many things more precious than being greeted by giggles when you step out of your door.

today was full of lots of sweet moments. it's the little things, with these kids. we sat outside with the elementary school girls for a little while, playing games and talking and teasing and pastor kiran came upstairs. he sat with us and helped me by translating my words as i showed the girls a stack of baby photos i brought along with me this trip. i think their favorite one was this picture of me, about four or five, in a high chair with a chocolate popsicle and the popsicle is all over my face. i also get some of the best smiles out of these kids when i point at them and say their name so they know i remember it.

and one more thing before i go. apparently i can't upload a photo straight to blogspot, which is dumb. so i'm going to post a photo on facebook to correspond with these last words.

one of the things i love most about pastor kiran, my dear friend, is watching him engage in different roles as daddy. today, it took on a form i had never seen as he held kuruna. karuna is the youngest child living at berachah, her brother and mother live here too. she was born HIV positive, and she just had her first birthday last week. i personally have never been here when berachah has been caring for anyone under three years.

watching karuna with kiran is something really sweet. throughout the day she is passed around among some of the older kids, kiran and her mother. but there's just something about the way karuna is with kiran, the only man in her life filling the father role. she takes his face in her hands, she rests her head on his chest, and the way she smiles at him and lets him play with her just speaks to this sweet, safe bond between the two of them.

i don't know all of her story, or her mother's or brother's. but i get to watch a sweet little girl, with HIV, being loved on by some of the best people on earth. and that's really significant here in india, where typically the only other place i've heard of HIV individuals residing has been in slums designated for people like them. unclean people.

but here, the ground is level. i guess it sort of reminds me of Jesus interacting with the unclean, the sinners, the rejected. 

india post one.

you'll have to ignore the blog posts below, as they are from a time when i thought i would be super into blogging and posting about my life all the time. i mean, you don't have to ignore them...you can look if you want...but just for your information, the india posts start HERE.

so the first difficult leg of our journey is over. getting to india always feels like it takes days and days. and it sort of does, really. i got to speak to the kids at VBS a couple weeks ago and when one of the girls asked me, "how long does it take to get to india??" i said, "for-EVER." her eyes got really big. "no. not really forever. but that's how it feels. i mean, you usually have two or three flights and then a ride on the train to get where we go."

no train for us this year...that will be different. but it still feels like forever.

and i discovered a few things on the last flight.

1] nine hours is my limit. nine hours is my threshold for how long i can be on an airplane without going insane.

2] fargo wasn't the best movie choice.

3] i really enjoy turbulence. like it kind of makes my heart happy.

i'm definitely eager to get there already, but at the same time i feel like it's just another day and i happen to be on a plane...for thirteen hours...

i can't tell if it's peace in its purest form, or just me being blind to the significance of this journey i started 24 hours ago.

something else that really made my heart happy on this first flight was the fact that we flew straight over san luis obispo within the first hour. both cory and i attend cal poly. i got so excited when i spotted our track, the pool at the rec center, the P on the side of the mountain, the cotchett education building, dexter lawn...and poly canyon village, where i used to live my junior year. i could also see madonna mountain, my favorite place to hike...so strange to think i was just hiking there with my aunt martha this past saturday.

a minute after that we were flying over cayucos...and i spotted the pier, which is where i watched the fireworks for Fourth of July last thursday. and now i was flying above it. people i love are still down there, in both of those places. and i was flying right over them.

it always feels weird to me to do that. i feel the pull no matter where i go. i felt it as i was moving home from SLO for the summer, and i feel it every time i leave india. i guess i'm going to feel it no matter where i go.