post fifteen.

post sixteen

wow. it's happening. we're leaving tomorrow.

i can't believe we've already reached this day. it's gone by slow, and fast, and at just the right pace. i don't know if that makes any sense. i am ready to go home and i LOVE that i'm ready to go home. but at the same time, i'm not...and will never be. i don't know if that makes any sense either.

today was very hard for me because i just didn't want to do anything. i found myself not wanting to even try. i think that's how i get before doing things i don't want to do. it can be something as stupid as avoiding studying for a final...or in this case, not wanting to muster the emotional energy to say goodbye to the some of the people i love most.

i said goodnight to my boys for the last time tonight. i think a few of them thought i was leaving tonight, they just looked so dejected. one of my guys, chitti babu, could barely smile up at me and he usually ALWAYS smiles up at me, from under his blanket on the tile floor. like more than most kids. maybe he was just tired, or maybe he was really sad. i couldn't tell.

and then there's teja. little teja. i worry about teja. he's so sensitive, and so timid sometimes around me. but he's such a reminder of how much a child thrives off the attention of a loving, parental or older sibling figure. he's the one who came running up to me last summer, with tears in his eyes and wrapped his arms around my waist. so tonight, i lingered a little bit when i said goodnight to him. he held both my hands against his chest and looked up at me with those sad, dark eyes. God, why can't he just have someone who loves him all the time? why can't someone just be there for him? why does he have to grow up like this?

i don't really get to see the girls before bed ever. but i walked around the room and looked at each of their sweet, sleeping faces before sitting down with madame again. i think that seeing children sleep is a healing experience. it's like it makes you forget all the annoyances of the day. as i paced up and down the row of girls, sleeping on the tile floor of the girl's dormitory...each personality lay dormant in each body. i walked past revathi, thinking...okay, in the morning, this girl is going to pinch my cheeks til they bruise and poke my belly (which i HATE). but right now, she is sleeping. and she is precious. and so is divya krupa, who might be in a mood tomorrow and decide she doesn't want to talk to me. but now she's sleeping, and she looks beautiful. it doesn't really matter how she's going to treat me tomorrow. and i walked past palavi, the newest girl at the orphanage. she hasn't been here a week, and i wonder...as she lays sandwiched between two other girls...how does she feel? is she homesick for her mother? does she miss her old house? or is she relieved, does she feel like she's in a safe haven? does she feel like she's finally found a place to call home? she was begging on the streets with her brother just weeks ago.

i sat down with madame. how i have come to love and appreciate her. tonight i gave the girls the hair ties i started making for them weeks ago. madame pointed to anu, one of the littlest girls, and was telling me that anu told her it was "very soft."

i told madame that it has been SUCH a good time for us being here. and holding her hand i told her, "i love you. and i love your son." (i JUST found out, like three days ago, that her son is one of the younger guys i'm close to here) she had tears in her eyes and said, "you DO love me." i also said to her, "you take good care of these girls. you have SUCH an important role in their lives." she nodded and said, "yes, yes." i will never forget moments like this.

i cannot BELIEVE the things i've seen here. i just can't even express my feelings that surround holding or hugging a child in your arms when you know part of their story, or something that has happened to them. remember the boy from one of my earlier posts, sai teja, the one who was almost poisoned by his aunt? i gave him a hug goodnight tonight. and i thought, wow. you're still alive. how many people get to experience that sort of thing? i sure never thought i would.

so many times, i wish that i could capture and hold the images i can only see with my own eyes. i only pray that those images never leave me. and i know they'll be playing in my mind as i go to sleep tonight.

india post fourteen.

post fifteen

wow. we only have two full days left after tonight. incredible. sitting on that plane almost six weeks ago, leaving for india, i was wondering how it was going to feel sitting in the plane leaving in just a few days. i can't believe i'm about to find out what that feels like.

even though i am sad to leave, and it's going to break my heart on sunday...i feel satisfied by my time here. it's been great. it really has. so difficult at times, so hopeless at others. but so good. i wouldn't trade it for anything. i have loved not feeling rushed here. i have loved feeling like i live here. being able to live life alongside some of the best people i've ever met has been such a great feeling.

today, i sat in the kitchen with the staff...one of my favorite memories of being here. even though i don't know what's being said...i love sitting in the chair, sipping chai tea, and listening to them laugh together and yell at each other. i'm going to miss it so much.

i just finished reading "the cat in the hat" and "one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish" to the children who have chicken pox. they've been quarantined in the room that the girl's used to sleep in before the girl's dormitory was built. i try to pop my head in to say hi each day...because all they really do is sit there. well, not really. they're SUPPOSED to sit there. they run around in the room and i see them in the hallway periodically. poor kids. but it was just so cute. some of the kids weren't into it, but one of my boys...yesubabu, would say, "yaaaaaa!" every time a question was asked in one of the books. i sure am going to miss that stuff. the little things.

this morning was so nice. i took pictures of the kids, i walked around. right before lunch, i sat down with madame and sandra munni. munni is the little girl who was clawing children's eyes during class a few days ago, you might remember reading. she's definitely been one of the more difficult children for me to deal with. the other day she grabbed my nail file and i was scared she was going to stab someone with it. but i had such a sweet moment with her today. i patted her back and she sat on my leg and had me repeat different words in telugu. she pointed to her hair... "jutu." she pointed to her nose... "mooku." i haven't had lots of moments like that with her, since most of the time i'm scolding her...when she touches my camera lens, throws dirt in my hair...

shortly after that, the girls went down for lunch and i stayed there with madame, as she went through some of the case studies of the girls. they are kept in pink plastic folders. everything is in english, except for the space marked "case history." which is in telugu. i am so curious about the children here and what brought them to this place, i wish i could read it.

i LOVE madame. i still remember how not excited i was when i saw that SHE was going to the one helping us teach the english classes at the start of our trip. i remember thinking, really? she doesn't know any english either, how is she supposed to help us? but i...and cory and kimi...have come to love her so much, especially as she's become more comfortable around us and her personality has emerged. she has no problem rolling her eyes at us or telling us that she's tired now and i LOVE that, i love the honesty that i feel coming from her. it's kind of like how i gage relationships with the children...if they know me well enough to become angry with me, or show jealousy when i'm not giving them attention, then there must be something deeper there. and although it might frustrate or annoy, i really treasure that. 

but we sat there, next to the only bed in the empty dormitory. our voices echoed and i could smell the fresh paint from kimi's mural across the room. we sat there and talked about her two children. she asked how far away india was from america. she talked about how divya, one of the girls, has no father. i love talking to her. i love making connections. then she asked if i was coming back to india next summer. apart from daddy kiran, no adult has ever asked me that. not in india. 

i told her that if it was God's will that i come back next summer, that i would. and that even if i don't come back next summer, i will return some day because i have relationships here. she looked down and i saw tears in her eyes. she said, "memories." i remember a woman saying that to me a few years ago at VBS, after she wrote my name on a magnet we were making for a craft. was it her? i can't remember. but i was very struck by that. i feel so loved here.

india post thirteen.

kimberly has a cold. i think cory and i are on our way to getting it. we are exhausted. we're teaching the first and second class kids today...if you can call it teaching. they are talking over us and yelling and getting water every five minutes and i had to sit and restrain one of the girls during class so that she would stop clawing at the other children's eyes.

it's hard right now. really hard. but i know that when it comes time for us to leave next weekend, i'm not going to want to go. 

one of the most frustrating things about being here sometimes is when i find myself in situation where i don't have my camera, or when i can't have my camera to capture what i'm seeing. i had one of those moments today.

the schools are on strike for the next week, so all the children came home early today. they were showing me on their fingers how many days they wont be in school. some of my fifth and sixth grade boys were gathering leaves from some of the plants in the garden to make the chutney for tonight's dinner.

it's been overcast all day, and breezy. those are my favorite kinds of days here. yes, because the alternative is blasted hot...but also because everything just looks so much more green. the bright clouds illuminate the greenery. my sweet guys were picking leaves and dropping them into a yellow tub. i asked if i could help.

and there we were. i gathered leaves with prabhakar, kiran, mahesh, jaya, samuelraju, and srinivas. my sweet boys. and in that moment, i wanted so badly to capture the way their dark eyes looked against the green grass and the silver sky. just beautiful. raindrops fell here and there, they taught me new words. i wish i could find a way to capture the way they look me in the eye and say, "no sister, _______," when i mispronounce a word, moving their hand with each syllable. they will probably never understand how much i treasure everything about them.

we've started eating in the kitchen again, now that the team is gone. back to normal. it's one of my favorite parts of the day.

at 9:30 PM, as we sat in the kitchen, i realized that i was late to say goodnight to the boys. i ran down the hallway and into the dormitory, which was already dark. vijay, the boy's caretaker, pointed inside and i said, "i know!! i'm late." lots of them were already sleeping, but i made my rounds to the ones who were still awake. how i LOVE them. if you've followed my facebook photos, you might remember a photo of me and a younger boy named kiran. each night when i go to say goodnight to him, he looks up at me from the tile floor, shakes my hand, and says, "God bless you."

another boy, one of the first or second class kids...pretended to be asleep when i said goodnight to him. he opened his eyes, grabbed my hand and held it against his chest, and closed his eyes again. i lingered for a few seconds and patted his head. how i wish i could have just scooped him up in that moment. when is the last time he felt someone's loving hand, patting him on the head?

my time here is breaking me. there will never be enough moments like that, never enough hugs, never enough time to satisfy.

i have WAY too many children who i love and who love ME to say goodbye to in a few days. 

india post twelve.

wow. i went from being the world's best blogger to the worst in just a few week's time. blame it on a bad internet connection, and the LBC team. we've been busy busy.

i'm not a huge fan of reality lately. today, i found out that three boys (two who i was pretty close to) went back to be with their families. vinod, one of the older boys, told me. when i asked if praveen was happy to go home, he told me yes. when i asked if balu subramanyam was happy to go home, he told me no. the language barrier only allows me to go that far. i don't know all that's involved between "happy" and "no happy." all i know is that two of my friends are gone, and i didn't get to say goodbye. sad. i can only hope and pray that they will be cared for.

i've also been feeling incredibly discouraged about my role here. i know i'm here to love on the kids. but tonight, with one week to go...i found myself in tears, asking God, why have you put all this pain in front of me? what am i supposed to do with this? this trip has been frustrating at times because i know what these kids need, but i don't know how to give it. or i CAN'T give it. because the things they need are the things a parent needs to give...and i can only do so much.

having the team here was an interesting switch for our group of three interns. the first time they came here, and we left the orphanage with them to go to a village...i realized it was only my second time leaving the orphanage grounds. crazy! it hasn't felt that way though. or it hasn't bothered me. we're here for these kids and i've been pretty content to spend all this time with them. six weeks is a long time...but at the same time it isn't.

i loved having the team here, but i'm ready for it to just be the three of us again.

so. sweet moments of the day. remember little karuna, the little girl in one of the first photos i posted from our trip...the baby girl in kiran's arms. she hasn't wanted any of us white folks to hold her up until the time the team got here. and then for whatever reason...she was okay with white people. 

so i've been taking whatever chance i can get to hold her. she gets passed around the older kids quite a bit, especially when her mother is cleaning or working in the kitchen. and they love handing her off to me.

i love holding this little girl. she's one individual in my life that reminds me how fortunate i am to live healthily. i mean, i already know this...but she's a tangible reminder of it. she was born HIV positive. it's an interesting feeling, holding an HIV positive little girl. i seem to forget that she is, when i'm holding her. i did tonight when she fell asleep on my shoulder, and i laid her next to her brother...on a blanket, on the floor, in the room where their mother will join them in a few hours. and i leave the room, realizing that another sweet soul has been added to a long list of difficult goodbyes in the coming weeks.

but that goodbye came a lot sooner than i expected. tonight, karuna left with her mother and brother for the next few months. kiran is having a house built for them, so i went down to say goodbye just now. sad day. i love that little girl.

on a brighter note, our relationship with the staff here has been a huge blessing. because india is so positions-based, i'm guessing, it really factors into how much our teams end up interacting with all the individuals who make up berachah children's home. the kids, the staff, the doctor, kiran, his kids, his wife. in past years, we really gotten to spend time with them. and this year...i feel as if we have truly e who make things here. when we got home from hyderabad last night, really late, mary (woman who helps us teach english) and lakshmi (an older woman who in the kitchen) were standing in the hallway...and i ran up and gave them big hugs. like i was reuniting with family. that's a BIG deal in this culture. out of the ordinary. i love it!

india post eleven.

post eleven

the team is here! i'm so excited. except they left this morning to go to a church dedication out of town, and cory and i decided to stay here and hang out with the kids so it feels like they aren't here still. hahah. after one day.

but yesterday was sweet. i loved being on the welcoming side of things. and it felt strange. i remember how it feels to be at the start of being in india...and now i don't feel that! i've already been here two weeks! but i loved seeing my friends greet my indian friends here. it's kind of funny too, the kids are SO confused about our team of interns and the regular team from our church. they ask if we are going places with the team, if we are coming back...i think when we go to drop the team off at the airport, they're going to be super confused.

i love that i have a lot of time left here. it's still hard, really hard. honestly, sometimes i barely have enough stamina to be emotionally and mentally present when i'm with these kids, especially the girls.

i talked to my dad on the phone tonight, and i was telling him that the girls are SO much harder to be around than the boys. boys are equally as touchy, equally as moody, and needing just as much love and care as the girls. but with the girls it's different. it's a much more in-your-face type of interaction. and for whatever reason, i can stand there and let eight little boys poke me and hold my hand and grab my arm a lot more easily than i can have three girls touching my hair and pinching my cheeks. it's interesting! i really do love, love, love these girls...i don't want there to be any mistaking that. but it's just harder. a lot harder.

and i think i like that it's harder. it's testing my love.

so anyways. on another note. something interesting happened to me yesterday, and today.

every year when the team comes, they hire this really sweet man to come and cook for them. just to make things less spicy (the stuff the kids eat is INSANELY spicy, i try it every now and again), and to provide some variety. this year, he brought a family of four with him. a dad, a mom, and their boy and girl...who are eight and six.

i had some down time yesterday and decided to go hang out in the kitchen. a few of my boys were grinding up these leaves they use to make a paste to put on the sores of the children who have chicken pox right now (there are about eight of them). i sat on a stool and watched the boys, and the mother who came with the cook came over and started trying to talk to me. she knew maybe...five words in english. eventually she told me "house" and cocked her head in the direction of the room she and her family are staying in. i hesitated, and one of my boys, teja, told her, "auntie...nooo." i thought to myself, okay...i am obviously NOT leaving the orphanage, but if she's referring to her room here, then that's fine.

i followed her to her family's room. there were clothes everywhere on the floor and other knick knacks. her son and her husband were also sitting in there. i felt a little uncomfortable, until about three or four of my fifth grade boys came in. i know they're just kids...but i know they love me, and i felt a little more comfortable with them nearby as i sat and let this family try to make me feel at home in their temporary living space. the mother was sweet, she tried her best to communicate with me...and taught me some more words in telugu.

sitting in the presence of this family was such an experience. for one thing, the fact that the people here just want you to sit in their midst amazes me. they are so in awe that you, an american, would come here and do some of the things we do. this country is obsessed with hierarchy, and it shows in everything. i have no concept of that because i was raised to believe that everyone around me is equal and should be treated as such. sure, i've seen people treated badly in the positional sense. but for the most part...what i've seen in the states doesn't even compare to what you see here. and the way that some people will treat each other.

india post ten.

POST TEN

i consistently find myself wanting to start all of my posts with, "my heart is full." i think that's been my personal theme of the trip. i am CRAZY blessed to be here, now, experiencing this.

so something really sweet happened today. we've been scrounging for phrases to teach the older kids in their english classes. today we had benny, kiran's son, to help us teach the children. we took advantage of the opportunity to have him translate the phrases so the children could write the telugu meaning next to the english phrases in their notebooks...because up until this point, we've been relying on a translator with minimal english speaking skills (but we LOVE, LOVE, LOVE her, make no mistake) or no translator at all.

so one of the things we decided to teach the kids today were phrases they can ask the LBC (laurelglen bible church) team when they come on saturday. things like, "which school do you attend?" and "what do you do for a living?" and one of the first things we taught them was "can i have a hug?"

i go into the boys dormitory every night to say goodnight to the boys. it ends up being mostly the fourth, fifth and sixth class guys...because those are MY guys. those are MY little guys. and they're the ones who, as a whole, seem to be the most receptive to me...even though i have close ties with children in both genders and every age group.

and tonight, guess which question i got before bed? :)

"sister, can i have a hug?"

melt my heart. they have NEVER asked me that. not verbally, at least. not until today. not until we taught them.

on another note. i have to tell you about my friend vijay. vijay is the boy's caretaker here at berachah. he is twenty-six years old. he didn't grow up at berachah, but he is an orphan too. so he understands these kids, and he deals with them with a tenderness i rarely see here. i KNOW that all the adults here love these kids. i know they are taking care of them. but i seldom see such a tender heart as vijay's. and i think it has to do with the fact that he understands the pain some of these children face...as it is in his own life. he is stern, make no mistake. these kids listen to him and they respect him. but he is also kindhearted and it isn't difficult to see.

yesterday i had the chance to talk with him a little bit about his story. he was abandoned at six or seven months old in the train station. a family adopted him, and his adoptive father died when he was nineteen or twenty.

he told me he remembered questioning The Lord when he was younger, asking "why don't i have my father? why don't i have my mother?" he told me that The Lord spoke to him from deuteronomy 32:18, with the message, "i AM your father." i like that. i like seeing people made strong in The Lord like that. and what an inspiration vijay is, that he is so willing to devote his life to kids that were just like him.

so the team comes tomorrow. i am soooo stoked. i am so happy to be on the other side of this, to be one of the one's welcoming them...as opposed to being welcomed.

thank you again, everyone who sent me here. i am having the time of my life.

india post nine.

post nine

okay. so sunday wasn't the best, as you probably already read. i was pretty sick and feeling extremely weak up until sunday evening.

yesterday, monday, we were supposed to start teaching the 5th and 6th class kids. they kept asking me all weekend, "sister, monday 5th and 6th class? english?" and i would tell them, "yes! class on monday. 5th and 6th." but when we walked into our classroom (the girl's dormitory) on monday morning at the normal time...our students were nowhere to be found! i found out shortly after that kiran had sent them to their regular school for the day to let me "rest."

needless to say, i was pretty upset. i felt fine, and i didn't like the idea of the kids missing out on a day they had been looking forward to. especially when they kept asking me about it.

so today, we had class with our kids. twenty-nine of them. twenty-nine sets of beautiful brown eyes. twenty-nine pairs of hands trying to play thumb wars with me during the breaks. twenty-nine notebooks being shoved in my face for me to check their work. twenty-nine mouths parroting our words and vowel sounds as they try to make sense of what we are saying.

at the end of class, we tried something with these kids that we hadn't tried with the other grades. we split them into three groups and had them each take turns reading a page from a dr. suess book. i had my kids reading "one fish two fish red fish blue fish." it was pretty great. except for the part when they were all talking at once and i could barely hear the person who was reading. it was a bunch of chaos. i had about eleven 10 and 11 year old boys tripping over each other to look over the shoulder of the one who was reading. slapping each other in the head when they can't see, asking me if they're going to learn "maths" tomorrow, and trying to get me to do thumb wars with them when they had finished reading ("no, we'll do that after class." "one time, sister." "no. i said we'll do it after class.")

after class we actually had some time to spend just hanging out with the boys. now i have to tell you this story, because it's really disgusting and funny and it's one of the things that reminds me that i'm in my element if i can deal with this kind of thing with laughter, and not throwing up.

cory and i were standing between the boy's dormitory and a storage building with about thirty or so boys. it's been raining a lot lately. and it's been windy. so i haven't been questioning the drops that have been landing on my skin every now and again.

but today. TODAY. i happened to look over when i felt a light spray of something. it seemed kind of weird, it was blowing sideways. and then i saw why. one of the little boys was taking a whizz about ten feet away from me and it was SO windy that it was blowing on me, and cory, and the other boys who were standing around us. siiiiick. but funny. it was funny.

then after taking about a bajillion pictures, the boys had some play time in the yard. we raced, we went down the slide, we danced, i got lots of hugs. i was blessed with an incredible amount of energy today. and i want that to be the image of aimee that these kids remember. i want them to remember that she wasn't too old to race them through the dirt, that she didn't get too bored playing thumb war after thumb war with them, that she wasn't too busy to give a hug or a pat on the head.

i've noticed something interesting about myself as i've been in india. i think one of my love languages is touch, or it's something that i value very much to feel close to people around me. when i break down the physical barrier with others, i feel much more connected to that person. and when i think about the people i'm closest to, a lot of it basically has to do with me, say...giving them a hug. 

at school this year, i really missed giving people hugs. there just weren't a lot of people surrounding me daily who i could get a hug from, like i can from my mom or dad or brother or best friend. and i've noticed that, as i am here in india...constantly surrounded by those in NEED of touch (i cannot emphasize need enough) i don't feel the same void i feel when i'm away at school sometimes. 

and i guess i would think that the void would feel even stronger here. i'm about as far away from my family and friends as one can get, and i'm frequently involved in the ups and downs of dealing with the "least of these." least of these, meaning...it doesn't get much worse than this. least of these meaning...your life of six years already holds more pain than i will experience in a lifetime. least of these meaning...it seems as if everyone else has forgotten about you.

but the void isn't here. i still experience pain, deep emotional pain. but i really think that all the hugs i get from my kids, their longing to be close to me, their comfort level that is revealed in how they approach me...is God's way of taking care of something he knows i need to feel whole.

i don't know if that makes sense. you guys need to know that i'm pretty much baring my soul here, there's not really anything on here that i wouldn't write in my private journal. so it's a lot of me just rambling. thoughts, feelings, this and that :)

i could use prayer for our goodbye. i know it sounds crazy, but i am SO scared to say goodbye to these kids. like literally, i can't think of ANYTHING worse in my life right now. there have only been a few times in my life, a few very personal times...when i have felt such searing, emotional pain. and one of these is always saying goodbye to these kids. i think part of what makes it so hard is that THEY don't understand it. they don't understand why you're leaving, they don't get why you have to go. they don't understand that you can't stay here forever. and it tears me up every time.

but i know i can't live like that. not while i'm here. it would be very easy for me to slip into that sort of mentality, and let it overtake my time here. pray that that wouldn't happen. pray that i would be here. be present. because truthfully, from what i've heard...and what i've experienced in my own life...presence is everything. YOU being present, giving yourself, filling in the gaps, fulfilling a need, putting others ahead of yourself...that is love. that is absolutely what communicates your love.

and i want my life to reflect that.